Kimra Traynor Herb

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Streets
by
Kimra Traynor Herb
IPS Features

Children in the band

"I would NEVER tell my children what they had to do." This was snapped at me in a self-righteous tone by a woman at my church two years ago when I confessed that I was not going to let my son, who was then entering his sophomore year in high school, quit band. My son, having come through his freshman year of marching band a little bit scathed by the endless practices, summer rehearsals and tortures at the hands of the upper classmen, had decided enough was enough- no more band days for him.
I had other plans for the boy. "Since you were small," I said, "I have dreamed of the day you would be in band. Now that it is here; you are going to stay in band."
I know it sounds harsh; kind of in a Brook Shields' mother- manipulating her child into fulfilling her dreams kind of way, but really, I had my son's best interests at heart. I had seen, first hand the aimless teens wandering in alcoholic and drug induced stupors underneath the stands at football games- too much time and not enough structure- and I didn't want my son to become a statistic. I tried to cut him a deal- "If you can find another activity to take the place of band- sport or otherwise; you can quit band. If not; you're stuck. I compromised that he could use his sophomore year to reevaluate, and if he REALLY wanted to quit at the end of his sophomore year; I would sign the drop class form and never mention the word "band" again.
There was no explaining any of this to the woman who was judging me; right there in the church foyer. "I let my kids decide what is best for them- I am not one of those controlling kind of mothers. I just think it is wrong."
This from a woman who had had her son in football pads since he was three years old. But, to hear her tell it, the football obsession was the child's OWN- not hers nor her hubby's (because people in Alabama are NOT obsessed with football; right?) This is also the same woman who let her sixth grade daughter drop out of band because (and I am not making this up) it "took too much air to blow into the flute. It exhausted her."
"You know what?" I finally said, "I am going to raise my kids- you can raise yours." She gave me a huffy sniff as she turned away from me; ready to pass on to the next person she saw, no doubt, her feelings on MY parenting abilities.
Guess what? My son did NOT drop out of band before his junior year. In fact, I reminded him daily during the summer that he now could, penalty and comment free, remove band from his schedule. He had served his two years like a trooper and I was going to leave him alone.
"Nah." He said, when I queried him on the subject of dropping band, "I am going to go ahead and stick it out. It's not that bad. Just don't," he cautioned, "expect me to be in band in college!"
"Holy smokes, where did THAT come from?!" I responded. "I would NEVER control your life like that!" Secretly, though, I was pleased, and it was a great year last year watching my middle son join his older brother on the marching field.
Last night I watched the Parent's Preview Show for the marching band. My oldest son, that would be non-band member of two years ago; was a confident senior, giving directions and helping underclassmen. My middle son, now a sophomore himself, had developed a great deal of finesse and no longer aappeared to be in the confused freshman role. Neither had said a word about dropping out of band this year; in fact they heralded the arrival of band season with few groans and even some anticipation at the "torture" of band camp and upcoming trips with their friends. As for me, I was the mom on the sidelines, dressed all in black (mourning the passage of time in my Ann Taylor short set), fighting back tears at an era nearly passing. An era, when I, with my somewhat iron will- okay- maybe stainless steel or at the very least a super sturdy plastic will- helped guide my children into becoming people strong enough to one day strong enough to tell THEIR children that they need to complete one more year of band before making the decision to drop out.