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Danny |
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(Editor’s note: Danny McBride says he is too burned out from the recent presidential election to be creative now. Instead, he offers this column he wrote four years ago following the election of George W. Bush.) It takes an awful lot of huevos to pretend you have a mandate when you actually lost, but that’s just what George W (Pop said I won) Bush is doing as he sifts through the cabinet selection process. Ever since that dark December night of the Twelfth (no not Twelfth Night which is in January anyway) but the Night of the Twelfth of December, when, as The New York Times’ Tom Friedman has said, the “precinct captains in black robes…delivered the election for Bush”, the “transition team” has almost instantly gone back on the president-presumptive words to seek common ground with his Democratic opponents. The recent selections of Linda Chavez, John Ashcroft, Christie Todd Whitman and others is not exactly the actions of a “uniter- -not a divider”. In fact, so far, the arrogance shown by the Bush team is nothing short of phenomenal. Acting like you won by a landslide when you actually lost by half a million votes is nothing short of amazing, Oh sure, the archaic electoral college, brother Jebbie’s minions, and Poppy’s old boy court appointees (don’t you think Clarence Thomas deserves a whole case of Coke- -in cans, of course!) made sure the deal went down, but get real- -You’re in on the good graces of a country that doesn’t normally erupt in shooting civil wars- -one was enough- -when things go this far off course. Be grateful. Be conciliatory. Be a “uniter- -not a divider”. Instead, Dubya’s been acting like he won by a landslide, offering no compromise in his appointments. Hasn’t anyone close to him told him yet how lucky he is to be where he is? Or do they just not see it that way? They really feel they deserve this- -Poppy’s Term II, executed by Junior. (Ooow. That phrase “executed by Junior” has a whole new meaning, especially if you’re in prison in Texas!) Which brings this to mind: For about a month now the flip side of the Texas Prison saga has been the “Texas Seven”. At first I thought these were just more advisors brought in from Austin, but it turns out they are actual escaped convicts- -murderers, rapists, kidnappers, whatever- -and they’ve been running around on the loose for weeks. Now how is it that in a state that prides itself on its death row track record, seven- -SEVEN- -convicts can leisurely stroll out into the free world and get away? “Mistakes were made” says the report. Oh, really? One of my favorite things about motoring through the great American Southwest, besides the natural beauty offered up on all sides of the road, is the occasional matching freeway signs: First there is a huge orange and black sign announcing the exit for “The Prison For The Exceptionally Mean and Criminally Insane”. Then about a mile later is another equally big huge sign which reads “Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers”. What is implied, obviously, is that some of these “Exceptionally Mean and Criminally Insane” people might easily have found a way down to the freeway, and despite their obvious attire- -oh, say, something in a little horizontal-stripe one-piece number- -have decided to thumb a ride to freedom, and were it not for the warning signs, WE may actually be dumb enough to stop and pick them up. “Oh, look, Henry, a nice young man by the side of the road needs a ride.” “Why, sure, Martha, let’s just give him a lift. My, isn’t that the latest in Carnaby Street wear he has on?” I guess I’m the only one who finds Dubya’s foray into Washington with (with a couple of exceptions) a bunch of literal Bush Leaguers for a cabinet ironic while the news equally rants on about “The Texas Seven”. Maybe they can all get together on this one. If John Ashcroft can round up a posse and capture these guys, then let him be Attorney General. Or, since Linda Chavez has some extra time on her hands now that she’s only going to be Secretary of Undocumented Labor, maybe she can just bring them home and feed them and give them some money once in a while. Other cabinet appointees can face similar challenges. Obviously this is no laughing matter and these people need to be apprehended and brought to justice. And also they need to catch those escaped convicts.
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